Oh little yellow vacuum cleaner how I love thee…..

Looks like it’s going to be a two post kinda day… I haven’t talked about lately on how much I miss working.  I am a workaholic, just not a houseworkolic.  I hate doing dishes even though I have a damn dishwasher.  By the way, our dishwasher sucks and well…I want a new one.  Funny thing is we do have a new one sitting in the kitchen right now.  Long story short, we need a plug-in and well living out in the fricking middle of now where it’s hard to get one.  Hell I should just order one online.  Yeah, the light bulb in my head does works.

Another thing I hate is dog hair!!!  It’s everywhere.  I really, really need a hardwood floor cleaner.  If I was working we could afford a hardwood floor cleaner, especially the one I want.  Wait, let’s rephrase that….The one I need not want.  I need a floor cleaner.  I hate getting down on my hands and knees cleaning these damn floors.  I might as well put my bandana on and apron.

I have a pretty good little vacuum cleaner.  That vacuum is quite the champ.  Out of all the vacuum cleaners I have owned this one has last the longest.  Vacuum cleaners have a 6 month life span, if that, when I use them.  I have had this one for little over 2 years!!

Why is it that my vacuum cleaners don’t last? And why have I been previously banned from using them?  Well…. I am that girl who likes to suck up everything!!!  I get a thrill out of it.  It’s like a high trying to suck up everything.  It’s not that I am too lazy to bend over and pick up the piece of paper, or small toy, I just want to see if I can suck it up.  It’s fun.  In the past I have done some serious damage to vacuum cleaners by doing this.  Hell, at least I had fun doing it right?  With my little yellow of a bitch vacuum I have this super strong sucking hose that does a great job so I can get my fix on and I haven’t clogged it up yet.  Score!!!!  Hail to my little yellow vacuum cleaner.

 

 

 

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Cha-Cha- Chia just like the Chia Pets….

Wow, looks like someone has forgotten to write on her blog… yep that girl is me.  Yeah!!! I am officially down 11 lbs for the year.  Slowly but surely I will get to my goal.  I am starting to eat right and really enjoy healthy foods.  Let’s just say my body no longer likes so-called “bad” foods anymore.  My bum has performed its own detox cleanse on me and that wasn’t fun.  At least I got to sit in peace and quiet in my alone room for a while.

In the last week I have become the smoothie goddess.  I love green smoothies.  Last week I tried one for shits and giggles, well let’s just say I am now hooked.  My body seems to crave all the fruits and veggies.  I feel like a witch mixing up her potion.  I put a little of this and a little of that in the blender and boom…. I have a tasty drink.   It’s like having a salad without the salad dressing.  Now only if my new blender would come I wouldn’t need to chew my smoothie.   My husband asked me yesterday if that is all I eat during the day.  Yep, I will eat a normal dinner though.

Green Smoothie Time!!!

Hahaha I order my blender off HSN.  I am no longer an “order off the TV virgin.”  This may be addicting.  Hell yah to flex pay.  I saw the chef blend up a green smoothie and my inter little guy that lives in my stomach came out and grab the phone to make the call.  This is the same little guy that grabs for that Snickers bar at the grocery store.  See you too can train guys.  Oh, I can’t wait for the new blender.  Now my piece of shit blender I have to do a shake, shake while blending her on up.  It takes a good 5 mins with a lot of water to get my drinks perfect.  The end result…a water down fruits and veggies.  So we will see if this blender lives up to the job.

After doing a lot of research online on what is good to eat and what is darn right bad for you, I came across Chia seeds.. Cha-Cha-Chia just like the Chia pets.  WTF really??  I had to buy some to try for myself.  I love them.  So now my water down smoothies with Chia seeds can be thick.  These seeds are crazy.  I bought them on Friday and since then my weight has been falling off.  They are also packed with great stuff for you too.  Just crazy.  More calcium than a glass of milk!! and more Omega-3 than Salmon.  Oh that reminds me I must pull a frozen Salmon chuck out of the fridge.  Oh Salmon, you should not come in frozen form…it’s just wrong.  I am so spoiled from living in Washington State.  I can look at it this way, I will never find frozen cheese here.

Ok I really need to get off my computer and get some things done….bills do not pay them selves.

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She has a uni-boob……

Imagine an over weight women in her mid 30’s pushing a snap and go stroller.  Not a real stroller but one of those carriers for a baby bucket aka infant car seat.  She is wearing her pj bottoms and a 3 quarter length red Starbucks shirt supporting The Christmas Blend.  On top of her head is a knit black stocking cap.  For her shoes she is wearing some Keen Mary Janes shoes.  My no means are they meant for exercising let alone jogging.  Starting to creative a mental picture?  Now add this to the mix.  This woman is wearing a sports bra, not any ordinary sports bra.  This sports bra is special, it creates a uni boob.  That’s right she has one big boob right in the middle.  Sad, eh?  So her double D’s are all squashed up to create this unsightly uni-boob.  hahah I said boob.

The weather is wonderful.  It has to be in the mid 40s.  What you say?  It’s January and this little ditty of a story is based in Wisconsin.  Believe it or not there is no snow either.  The skies are slightly overcast and there is no wind.  A perfect day.  A perfect day for this out of shape girl to get off her ass.

She starts off on main street of this sleepy small town located in Southern Wisconsin.  The time is 2pm.  Past the post office she walks briskly pushing the baby bucket carrier.  One block down she will head down to the main highway which runs through town.  In a few minutes she has reached the road.  Now for the long walk to the mini mart.  At the mini mart is the entrance of the trail.  This trail is her goal.  The goal being, to jog that trail.  Now she has no clue how many miles that is, but who is counting at this point.  She is just glad to be off her fat ass.

As the cars pass her most of them wave.  The joys of a small town.  She has no clue who they are.  She is new to town.  A town of truly friendly people.  A town of about 1000 people.

She continues to the start of the trail thinking on how much this baby stroller carrier thing sucks.  Wonder how many people thought to themselves, “lady, there is a thing called a jogging stroller,” as they drove by.  I really don’t care what you think people, it works right now.  I really need a different stroller.  Maybe one of these days.  Thinking real jogging shoes are in order first.

The trail is now in sight, whew almost there.  She is now feeling good and wonders if she should try jogging the rest of the way.  Yeah, maybe next time.  She walks the brisk walk pushing now on the gravel side of the road due to disappearing sidewalks.  This sucks, bounce, bounce….her little one giggles.  Something is telling her that the trail is no better.

Finally there, at the start of the trail.  It’s so beautiful.  Tress on each side and the trail  looks as if it leads straight forever.  Such tall trees which leaves have fallen for the season.   What a beautiful sight.  Her second goal; to walk to the beginning of the trail.  Her first was to get off her ass.

Now its time to try her legs in a little jog.  She looks behind her to make sure no one is watching.  Her legs slowly start to move faster.  Hey this isn’t too bad.  Holy Hell wait a minute,  my fat is starting to cry.  She sees a little sign up ahead.  That is where she will start to walk again.  That sign seems to be getting farther and farther away.  Oh Hell Batman, this jogging crap isn’t easy, she thinks to herself.  Ah the sign, you beautiful sign.  She stops and starts  walking again.  Now this is better, she actually says out loud.

At this part of the trail the walkway is starting to get a little mushy.  The wheels of the baby bucket carrier are sinking.  We will not call it a stroller anymore but yet a metal device in which holds a baby bucket in.  Those darn baby buckets.  The trail now is a least an inch of soft mush which resemble saw dust and dirt.  Her workout now involves pushing this thing through the mush.  The baby is smiling.

Up ahead looks like a bench, yes a place to set my ass.  She now jogs once again, the bench as her motivation to sit her ass down.  It’s a little easier this time to jog.  She thinks to herself that one day she will only jog this trail and hopes to be either alone or pushing an actual jogging stroller.  Ah, a real jogging stroller or better yet real jogging shoes.

ode to leinenkugel

Oh bench, a beautiful bench.  It’s clearly a bench to remember someone in passing due to the Leinenkugel Red sitting on the arm of the bench.  Only in Wisconsin, right?  Really, there sit an empty bottle of beer.  She doesn’t touch it for it looks as if she does she might burn in Hell.  She sits down and catches her breath and taking in the fresh Wisconsin air.  Is that cheese I smell?  Just kidding the cheese making factory is probably 10 miles down the road.   She looks down to see if her uni-boob is still intact, that it hasn’t popped out of the snug carrier of this so-called sports bra.  Yep, she is ok.  Still a basketball side lump coming out of her chest, sweet.

Now for the what seems a long way back home.  She gets up off her ass and starts walking fast while pushing the hatefully wheeled carrier through the mush.  Once the land dries out a bit she jogs once again.  That’s the last time for today, she says to herself.  Ah, the mini mart is in sight.  Now the motivation is home.  The little baby is sleeping.

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Really? Can’t you flush it down……..

So my son stayed home from school today, he claimed he was sick.  I claimed that he needed to stay in bed.  Ha, maybe that will teach him not to fake it.  Or was he faking it this time.  I will never know.  When he woke up he was jumping around as always wanting food.  Dude your 9 years old you can make your own cereal.  Wait a minute your sick why do you have all this energy?  Off to bed you go.  No DS now.  No you cannot come out and play video games, you are sick right?

I walked into the bathroom to sit down on the old throne of porcelain and the kid forgot to flush.  Really?  This is wrong.  I guess this was his way of telling me that he was sick.  Gross oh so gross dude.

So we have this rule if you stay home from school due to being sick.  You stay in bed till school time would be over, unless you are super sick with a fever than you can lay on the couch and watch tv.   He hates this and most of the time it works for that sometimes I don’t want to go to school today so I will fake a tummy ache or head ache.  This boy is something else.

Today I had stuff I needed to get done.  See we are down to one car right now.  My grocery getting is being stored for the winter.  I was going to take my husband to work today and have the truck.  Oh well, checking out a new mattress has to wait.  Holy crap Batman, we need a new bed in the worse way.  Oh you lovely King bed, my dream of sleeping not on the edge of the bed half hanging off due to my husband’s pattern of always having a Queen size bed, has been delayed for yet another day.  One day I will not wake up in the middle of the night thinking I have lost a leg or an arm due to it falling asleep itself!  Omg, that hurts.  I recommend not trying that at home.

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I need the fat on my ass…….

Total weight lose: 4.3lbs

Water drank:  again enough to fill a small kiddie pool!!

So I am a little disappointed that the cleanse I am on advises against exercising.  So right now I am just forcing on my diet and mental state.  Eat Healthy Lisa and drink that damn water girl!!  Actually I really enjoy healthy foods.  I love salads, fresh fruit and steam veggies are the best.  I love roasted veggies also.  My favorite is roasted brussel sprouts.  Wow, are they good.   Roasted beets are pretty damn good also.  I do wish I have time for a short walk today.  However, the laundry mat is calling my name.  I don’t think my husband wants to continue wearing dirty clothes to work…sorry hun.

During these 2 weeks I need to re focus my mind, my goals and my life.  I need to visualize a healthy fit me.   Someone that has energy to enjoy her kids.  Someone that will be around for the long haul for her kids and husband.  I am pretty blessed to be healthy but the extra weight needs to go.  The lack of energy and sleeping in needs to go also.  However, I don’t want to be skinny.  I need that extra fat on my ass because I am accident prone.  I don’t want to break my butt now, it needs to cushion my fall.

Today I bought my motivational dress.  I tried it on.  I would need a roll of duck tape to suck my fat in to look good.  It’s a tough goal but I will do it.  I have done it in the past with a smaller dress hanging up to remind me to get smaller.  However, this time I will not bounce back.

So I am counting down the days and getting myself mentally prepared for the “new” me.  I can’t wait to jog the trails around town.  An old railroad track, minus the track of course, is calling my name.  It looks so peaceful, trees on both sides, a straight trail that looks as if it goes on forever.  One of these days I will say I ran that.

 

 

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Couch to 5K via video game….

Weight lost: 4.3lbs

Water drank:  amount of a small kiddie pool

That’s right, this fat ass is training for a 5K or is it a 10K.  Either way both will kick my sorry butt.   So how am I, one that does not run or jog, train.  I hate the extreme cold, my nose hairs should not hurt when I step outside.  Not a big fan of extreme hot either, ok this is fine because last time I looked it was January.  I am training by video games…

 

I said video games.  Now for all that know me I am not a gamer.  I fought tooth and nail against getting any type of video game system here in the house.  I gave in.  I love our XBox 360 with the Kinect.  Holy Crap the Kinect part is seriously awesome!!! WTF it is crazy mad cool.  So my son and I took some of our Christmas money and bought video games.  I love Game Stop.  By far they are the cheapest for used games.  We bought 7!!  I told myself I could only buy Kinect games because I didn’t need to sit on my ass anymore than I already am.  So I am the proud new owner of a cool Kinect tennis game, Kung-Fu High Impact and Kinect Sports.  I know I have mention the Kung-Fu before and it’s getting old by now, but this game is wicked cool.

If you have a Kinect and want a serious workout and have some fun at the same time oh and be challenged go and buy that damn game.  This game is my training for a marathon.  How you ask?  Well in between the fighting of bad guys I am jogging in place.  Sounds goofy right?  Well I am goofy.  So I have already done 15 mins of it today.  I want to do more but this cleanse I am on advises me not to exercise.  So in two weeks I am going gun-ho on Kung-Fu.

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No fudge eating here…….

Pounds lost:   1.4 lbs

Water drank:  A fucking shit load

I have never in my life peed so much as I did yesterday!!  Plus I have been pregnant twice.  Holy Pee Batman.  So why did I pee so much?  Well yesterday I started my total body cleanse.  This girl needs to get into shape.  I drank tons of water.  I skipped my morning cap and let me tell yah I had a headache from Hell.  I need my coffee fix.  This morning was no cap either.  Dangit, maybe I should go make me one.  I just drank some more water.

Starting this year and forward I am going to look at food in a completely different way.  I will only shop the outside of the grocery store.  This means fresh fruit, veggies, meat and the dairy section.  The middle is forbidden except for coffee beans, teas, cereal, bread.  Maybe I will start shopping at grocery stores that carry bulk grains, that might be better.  That way I can bypass the middle almost completely.  How nice will that be…I am thinking of the time spend in the store.

I think I am in love with avocados.  I have always enjoyed eating them, however I have found a new love in them.  They are healthy for you.  Omg I mixed some avocados with salmon for a spread for my cracker later on for a snack, or hell I just might eat the whole thing for dinner.  Just wish I could get the “real” salmon out here in the midwest.   I f-ing hate the frozen shit salmon.  Fish should never be frozen people.   I love my fish fresh, what can I say…I was spoiled living in Washington.  Fresh crab, smelt, shrimp, salmon the list goes on.  Now that’s seafood.

Another thing….which I cannot believe I am doing.  Wait for it……ok I am going to sign up for a 5K marathon.   This girl does not run or jog, I walk.  So this will be very interesting to say the least.  Super excited for it, however scared shitless at the same time.  I cannot jog, wtf am I thinking.  How do I train?  Do I wake up at the butt crack of dawn before my husband leaves for work and attempt to jog in this fucking cold ass Wisconsin weather?  Or do I run up and down my stairs, a lot?  I don’t know.  I think I will play my Kung-Fu High Impact Kinect game and in between fighting the bad guys, which really is a work out in itself, I will jog in place.  Yeah I like that idea.  Now that’s a sight in a half.

Wait a mintune….I do not own any tennis shoes.  Maybe that will be my first step.  Buy some shoes.  Oh wait I think I own a pair that I have never worn.  See I am not a work out girl.  I will find those.  Thinking I will need to buy some fancy insoles for them.  I am so flat-footed that I walk like a duck with no shoes on.  It’s pretty bad.   I need support like no other in my shoes, yeah my back is just that bad.  I should have a Chiropractor on speed dial.

Insert drinking water here.

Damn you water, I really want a diet Coke.  But no that’s not good.  So each time I want something bad for me I drink some water.  I could really go for some fudge right now.   Chug, Chug…drank the rest of my water.  Dammit I have to pee!!!!!  Time to top of the porcelain God.

Later……

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