Imagine an over weight women in her mid 30’s pushing a snap and go stroller. Not a real stroller but one of those carriers for a baby bucket aka infant car seat. She is wearing her pj bottoms and a 3 quarter length red Starbucks shirt supporting The Christmas Blend. On top of her head is a knit black stocking cap. For her shoes she is wearing some Keen Mary Janes shoes. My no means are they meant for exercising let alone jogging. Starting to creative a mental picture? Now add this to the mix. This woman is wearing a sports bra, not any ordinary sports bra. This sports bra is special, it creates a uni boob. That’s right she has one big boob right in the middle. Sad, eh? So her double D’s are all squashed up to create this unsightly uni-boob. hahah I said boob.
The weather is wonderful. It has to be in the mid 40s. What you say? It’s January and this little ditty of a story is based in Wisconsin. Believe it or not there is no snow either. The skies are slightly overcast and there is no wind. A perfect day. A perfect day for this out of shape girl to get off her ass.
She starts off on main street of this sleepy small town located in Southern Wisconsin. The time is 2pm. Past the post office she walks briskly pushing the baby bucket carrier. One block down she will head down to the main highway which runs through town. In a few minutes she has reached the road. Now for the long walk to the mini mart. At the mini mart is the entrance of the trail. This trail is her goal. The goal being, to jog that trail. Now she has no clue how many miles that is, but who is counting at this point. She is just glad to be off her fat ass.
As the cars pass her most of them wave. The joys of a small town. She has no clue who they are. She is new to town. A town of truly friendly people. A town of about 1000 people.
She continues to the start of the trail thinking on how much this baby stroller carrier thing sucks. Wonder how many people thought to themselves, “lady, there is a thing called a jogging stroller,” as they drove by. I really don’t care what you think people, it works right now. I really need a different stroller. Maybe one of these days. Thinking real jogging shoes are in order first.
The trail is now in sight, whew almost there. She is now feeling good and wonders if she should try jogging the rest of the way. Yeah, maybe next time. She walks the brisk walk pushing now on the gravel side of the road due to disappearing sidewalks. This sucks, bounce, bounce….her little one giggles. Something is telling her that the trail is no better.
Finally there, at the start of the trail. It’s so beautiful. Tress on each side and the trail looks as if it leads straight forever. Such tall trees which leaves have fallen for the season. What a beautiful sight. Her second goal; to walk to the beginning of the trail. Her first was to get off her ass.
Now its time to try her legs in a little jog. She looks behind her to make sure no one is watching. Her legs slowly start to move faster. Hey this isn’t too bad. Holy Hell wait a minute, my fat is starting to cry. She sees a little sign up ahead. That is where she will start to walk again. That sign seems to be getting farther and farther away. Oh Hell Batman, this jogging crap isn’t easy, she thinks to herself. Ah the sign, you beautiful sign. She stops and starts walking again. Now this is better, she actually says out loud.
At this part of the trail the walkway is starting to get a little mushy. The wheels of the baby bucket carrier are sinking. We will not call it a stroller anymore but yet a metal device in which holds a baby bucket in. Those darn baby buckets. The trail now is a least an inch of soft mush which resemble saw dust and dirt. Her workout now involves pushing this thing through the mush. The baby is smiling.
Up ahead looks like a bench, yes a place to set my ass. She now jogs once again, the bench as her motivation to sit her ass down. It’s a little easier this time to jog. She thinks to herself that one day she will only jog this trail and hopes to be either alone or pushing an actual jogging stroller. Ah, a real jogging stroller or better yet real jogging shoes.
ode to leinenkugel
Oh bench, a beautiful bench. It’s clearly a bench to remember someone in passing due to the Leinenkugel Red sitting on the arm of the bench. Only in Wisconsin, right? Really, there sit an empty bottle of beer. She doesn’t touch it for it looks as if she does she might burn in Hell. She sits down and catches her breath and taking in the fresh Wisconsin air. Is that cheese I smell? Just kidding the cheese making factory is probably 10 miles down the road. She looks down to see if her uni-boob is still intact, that it hasn’t popped out of the snug carrier of this so-called sports bra. Yep, she is ok. Still a basketball side lump coming out of her chest, sweet.
Now for the what seems a long way back home. She gets up off her ass and starts walking fast while pushing the hatefully wheeled carrier through the mush. Once the land dries out a bit she jogs once again. That’s the last time for today, she says to herself. Ah, the mini mart is in sight. Now the motivation is home. The little baby is sleeping.